Inaccurate Self Image
I have an inaccurate self image, like reverse anorexia. Anorexics typically see themselves as much fatter than they actually are. Even when their ribs show through their flesh, in their heads they still think they're fat.
In my case, even though I am morbidly obese, the image that I have of myself in my head is normal weight. If I were to draw a picture of myself, I'd probably make myself skinnier than I am without really even noticing it. In the movie The Matrix this is called "residual self-image." Even though the character of Neo has a closely shaved head of hair in the real world, he has his full head of hair in the matrix. I'm fat, I know I'm fat, yet if I were to enter a matrix I would be thin.
This image gets shaken whenever I see photos of myself or the worst - a video. For my junior year of college, I took a speech class where all our speeches were taped. We then had to review our performance and critique ourselves. This was excruciating for me. The round, obese girl on video was in dichotomy with the image of myself in my head. I did not move like that. I did not look like that. I would only watch a couple seconds at a time, then fast forward through the freak show.
Even though I can see the difference in the mirror or on a tape, these moments of clarity last less than a minute. The majority of my day I do not look at myself. I look at other people. I suppose I am like a cat, raised by dogs who then thinks she's a dog. Most people in the world are an average weight or only mildly overweight. Finding someone 300+ like me is rare. Being surrounded by people of this size makes me think that I myself look like them.
Even when I work with other fat people, I disassociate myself from them. I worked with an overweight diabetic middle-aged woman at one job who would trudge slowly from the door to her chair. On some level I knew that I could be her in 20 years, yet I would also bar her off from myself in my mind. She was not like me. I was not that fat. I did not look like that. Though most likely I did.
This erroneous self-image is partly what prevented me from acknowledging my weight problem. Even as the pounds kept piling on, my self-image remained skinny and allowed me to live comfortably in denial of the problem creeping up all around me.
Earlier: Current Status and Goals
Later: Weight Blindness
Home: Main index
Posted by PastaQueen on August 5, 2004 at 10:57 PM
OMG! I could have written this post! It's like you just looked in my head. I just started to read your archives, and your blog, really. I'm so impressed with how far you've come!! ~j
Wow, this is so me! Or shall I say was so me. Congrats on your fantastic weight loss. I stumbled on your blog not long ago and have been reading it everyday. It is so inspirational, I love it! You are a gifted writer. I started my own weight loss journey 6 months ago, weighing 280 lbs, and today I weigh 235. Still have some 72 lbs to lose. Keep up the great work!
Just found your blog - started at the beginning, and am working my way forward to the present - you're a great writer and WOW on the weight loss. I can totally relate to this post. I was only moderately overweight through my 20s (never weighed more than 200), but gained up to 306 by my mid-30s . . . and somehow didn't really notice that much of a difference! Am currently working my way back down to normalcy . . . 230 and descending.
Yep I totally live the denial too....I love how well you voiced this as its been on my mind! I've gotten as far as understanding its denial, disassociating self from other obese people and most defiantly reverse anorexia in image - but I hadn't answered why this is. I like how you put it that you look at normal weight people and thus you identify with that size....good logic! I'm gonna ponder this a bit but I totally think you are right on!
I know I am about 2 years behind on your journey and because of the today show you are probably getting a million emails. But this particular blog rang so true for me. I am a professional women dress up everyday and I swear because I had a great suit on I thought I looked good despite weighing 330 ay 5'5! I have lost 50 lbs recently and am looking forward to easily double that I am 52yo and it is time thanks for sharing all this
Kathy
OMG I could have written that. In fact I did, but less well, in my own blog a few weeks ago!
I want to show this to those people who think weight control is simply a calories in v calories out ratio, because I have never found a way of explaining how it just isn't that simple. If it was just that simple, non of us would be fat would we?
I have a lot of reading to do now to catch up!
I saw you on the Today Show and was so impressed with your success. Congratulations. This blog really spoke volumns to me. I am a minister's wife and on a telecast on Thurs evenings for our church .... I am in the praise team and when I watch back the program, I am mortified by the way I look and think "This cannot be me" .... I know that it is me and that I am obese but then I forget and think "I'm not THAT fat" ... but I am. Thanks for bringing insight to me in this matter.
I have always tried to explain my inaccurate self image to people and they don't understand. I love how you have simply articulated the disease I suffer from. D-E-N-I-A-L I AM A FAT GIRL!
Now that I am have totally embraced my problem I can move ahead. You would think the pain in my knees and back would have been simple signs to set-off my war on FAT! Ugh!
I just bought your book on amazon.com and thought I'd come over to the blog that started it all. I'm really enjoying it so far, and I can TOTALLY relate to this entry! I know I'm fat, but I guess in my head I have trouble wrapping my brain around exactly HOW FAT I am (342 at the moment). I am always dismayed when I see pictures or video of myself.
WOW...I was just explaining this very phenomenon to my friend today...and then I read your post. How freaky...but good to know this is normal as I read comments left by others!
This is me to a tee! Looking at photos & videos of me conflict with the me in my head. Until now, I've made the choice to assume the image in my head is the real me, thus my current 319 lbs! I now have a personal trainer and am working towards becoming what I imagine I already am. Kudos on this post!
The worst was when this happened to me with my wedding photos...I'd even lost weight before the wedding, but I still looked HUGE in the pics. I was kinda mad at the photographer, but then I realised it's not his fault I'm fat. So I decided to do something about it! It's just a shame I can't have the wedding over again...
Wow, I'm amazed that other people think this way. I thought I was the only one. I never realize how fat I am until I see myself in pictures or video...and then I am mortified. I've finally decided to do something about it, and in the last 6 weeks have gone from 255 to 245. Love your blog!!
If you do not see your comment, try refreshing the page.
Half of Me is a fascist regime ruled with a benevolent fist by PastaQueen and the macaroni military. Lively discussion is encouraged, but any comment may be deleted or edited according to the whims of your monarch. If you write something nasty, it will be removed, but only after I laugh at you and mock you to all of my friends. Play nice and I won't have to slap anyone with a wet noodle.
Comments are disabled some time after an entry has been posted to help keep the blog on a spam-free diet.
I can so identify with this.
We all had our pictures taken at work during Halloween and my co-worker sent me a picture of myself saying how she knew I would want it.
Well, I clicked on it and experienced sheer horror! It was un-freaking-believable. I could not believe that I looked like that. I know what the scale says, but that is not what my body looks like.